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Circumlocution

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Not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind

Even though the pictures and notes are tucked safely away,

They linger in the depths of my heart and cast a shadow over me

I wait for time to heal these scars,

But I have found no comfort,

Quite the opposite.

The more I try to ignore the ghost in my past,

The more I begin to see the monster in my present.

I asked for one more chance, and it was granted.

But I knew even then what the result would be.

So here I am, the same. Or maybe comatose.

The absence beats inside my chest

I can no longer grasp for the ghost,

I could never reach for this monster.

I counted the steps I took from the ghost so many years ago,

Even now, I catch myself watching my feet still move away.

 

Not a day goes by that the ghost doesn't cross my mind.

If I could go back to that very moment,

I know I would still react the same way.

I wish the ghost would've not let me go.

I wish I hadn't let the ghost go.

My clutch had loosened long before,

My heart, my mind, my body were never complete then.

And what about now?

Am I fully one?

Did the sacrifice I made make me satisfied?

Did it make me whole?

No.

I am lost.

I bury myself in work.

I bury myself in the world just to forget, if even for a moment, who I lost.

My life is a breath on cold glass,

And then I'm gone.

My life is a needle weaving in and out of a burning cloth.

Have I compromised my self?

Have I compromised your self?

 

Not a day goes by that the monster doesn't cross my mind.

I wonder if the monster still remembers my pitiful ghost?

This heart of stone is sealed within his ghost, that is forever buried.

I, myself, have become a monster.

I have walled myself in.

I have locked my desires and cultural dreams in a bottomless darkness.

I want nothing to do with love,

Because love wants nothing to do with me.

Everytime I pass by, it looks away

Oh, but it knows it's me!

I believe it remembers me well.

 

I still count the steps I take from the ghost,

Because I miss it.

Because it still has a piece of me I can never have back,

That I never want back.

Written on April 14, 2008.